Midnight Haberdashery

Dear Mr. Bosswick & Co.,

It is I, Dr. Chancey Squires II, again. In this correspondence you will find a glaring absence of the friendly nature of my previous letters and only the bare minimum of savoir faire as required by my gentlemanly status. For this is less a letter and more a suitable epitaph for your moving picture company Mr. Bosswick.

At the onset none had a higher regard for your corporation and two county-wide locations of your soon-to-be-post-mortem Picture Show Palaces than I. With family in tow I happily paid at the box office for all four showings of The Roundhay Garden Scene and two of five shows of Traffic Crossing Leeds Bridge.

As a great admirer of your operations my shock was only heightened at the recent outrageous trends displayed in what your company has decided as appropriate moving pictures. Hamburger Warz 2010, whose title contains a misspelling Mr Bosswick!, was only the beginning of the blasphemous pornographing that you!, Mr. Bosswick, would subject the public to. These so-called “talkies” may be acceptable in New York city where the mayor holds office at a house of prostitution and worships serpents with Karl Marx, but your decadence will no longer hold sway here.

You have one week after the date of this post to remove the following pictures from your theaters:

Dancin’ House
Hamburger Warz 2010
Gun Fight
Socializin’ House
Gun Fight II

Failure to meet my demands will result in another harshly toned letter.

Harrumph,

Dr. Chancey Squires II

Dearest Mary,

My heart goes out to you. Words cannot express the sorrow I felt when I heard of you coming down with the consumption. However, I still must insist on the prompt return of my monogrammed handkerchief and riding gloves. It has been nigh two months. I expected better of you.

With love and disappointment,
Professor Clive Handshaker

Colonel Reginald Svankins,

I’m telegraphing in lieu of penning a letter as your generosity, in regards to our mutual friending, knows no bounds as scientifically documented by men in lab coats (as of the current date), thus the kick to the jigglies of my change-purse could not be taken into account when delivering this news of such ill alignment this overcast March afternoon.

From a mutual friend here in Washington D.C. I have learned of a rising opposition to your booming Doctor Cheek’s Feel-All-Rite[sic] Seltzer and General-Purpose Ointment.

It seems as if only yesterday we shared tomato juices at the eighteenth annual Bergenkeffer Dog Show & Misc. Parade Charter Member Social and exclaimed with great pride swelling in our chests over our fine government’s impervious fortitude in regards to Marxist busy-body gummy-faces. Dear friend, sadly, it seems as if those times are at an end.

By the time you’ve received this wire, there is no doubt, Mike-Anthony Flabbers and his notorious Fancy Boys are in route to torch your main factory and cause other such disruptive behavior.

My prayers, and those of the rest of the Boompusville branch of Saint McJeffy’s Man-Child Choir, go out to you dear friend.

With all my love,
Professor Clive Handshaker

Dear Mr. Bosswick & Co.,

It is with all due respect that I lay my grievances upon your feet, please take my points into consideration for the longevity of your most-revered corporation Bosswick TRUST & Moving Pictures.

I must first note that my wife Helena and I were most appalled at what passes for acceptable moving picture ticket rates these days! I assure you with my word as a man I am not the heir to the Boompusville fortune and I work very hard for my wages at the Jimmy “Chippers” Ousely’s Glue Manufacturer & Emporium. Six-pence is not a trifling amount to be thrown away for such a brief picture show as Hamburger Warz 2010.

That is but one of my mild concerns. Moving on, I would wager even dock-workers and due-paying Socialist party members were taken askance at the profane verbalizing of your players. Me and mine are good god-fearing Christians and we do not need to hear the likes of “sc*llyw*ggin’”, “G*d bl*ss B*ss”, and other such foul-mouthery uttered by your lead-player, Gary “Prof. Rascal” Dupree.

Last, but foremost I must mention the deceptive marketing of your picture film. I was lead to believe by advert of your company that Hamburger Warz 2010 would be akin to such wholesome-kneeslappers as “Travis Goes To Moscow”, “Goofin’ With The Kid”, & “Tommy Tussel, Major of Wacky-Town”. I was not warned of the violence, bad-natured antics, or general dark feeling of Hamburger Warz 2010.

Good wholesome Americans will not put up with this devilry, Mr. Bosswick. I suggest removing Hamburger Warz 2010 from all your state-wide Picture Show Palaces and refunding all previous customers’ ticket fees.

Praying you will make the right choice in this,

-Dr. Chancey Squires II